So previously, I talked about my eating disorder, EDNOS, and then more recently flat-out bulimia.
Last week I was at a sports day event with my school and I felt so sick from all the laxatives I had taken, not to mention I was severely dehydrated, and so I collapsed and was really ill in front of everyone. It was incredibly humiliating, and some people said things that I don’t even want to think about.
I was ill for the rest of the day, and suddenly this question occurred to me. It was a question my counsellor had been asking me repeatedly in our sessions: “Why do you need to be skinny?”
And it just hit me like that this time. I don’t have to be skinny for anyone at all, I need to be well for myself, and I need to stop running from the truth!
You know, I think I will blog about this whole cause for my eating disorder thing. I’ve figured it out and penned it down.
Okay, onto my plans:
1) I will be following the guidelines for recovery. It seems very feasible, logical and completely healthy. I’ve discovered this blog, which has been really helpful in reassuring me that it is OKAY to eat and perfectly sane and normal!
I will start to join my friends for recess and lunch in the canteen and eat sufficiently. I started today and explained to them my situation, and they’ve been really helpful and I am going to start buying foods other than fruit and fat free yogurt.
2) I will be exercising on weekends. Moderately.
Even though MinnieMaud guidelines discourage it, I will do gentle to moderate intensity exercising like walking and cycling. I think it will help me to release endorphins and improve my overall physical health.
3) I will hereby unfollow all thinspo and fitspo accounts on Tumblr and Instagram!
It is NOT healthy for me to look at slim, fit girls eating oatmeal and fruit at this point in time. I will most probably get triggered.
4) I will NOT weigh myself.
This is seriously triggering and will be the hardest thing to not do, but I believe I will have the strength to not see myself as a number.
– Eating 3000 calories in a day is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. But I CAN do it! I will be getting better for my own sake, and because goddammit, these illness is killing me from the inside out and the outside in.
– Ok, I will end off this blog post now as my huge bowl of vegetarian pasta is getting cold. I’m doing well so far. I will drown out the voices.
– Believe that you are capable of love, and can make it through!