You were so beautiful
And I looked like a monster

I think about this everyday. And these are my notes of the everyday.

Advertisements

the girls

I’ve just come home from a formal school occasion and I’m feeling pretty low; just penned this down in the midst of my embarrassment and anxiety.

the girls are brutally pretty
brutally acclaimed
brutally judgemental.

if their poisonous eyes could kill me
i would die,
and be buried in my shame.

i’m worthless
i’m ugly
i know
i know
don’t remind me i’m fat
don’t remind me i’m useless
don’t remind me at all

clenching my teeth, biting down
of long legs and black dresses
the girls stare at my short legs,
the wideness of my body,
the simple blue of my plain dress.

the girls could kill you
the girls are onto you
the girls will destroy you.

Initially, It Promises To Be Your Best Friend

Let me just say that while I give pretty fucking good advice, I’m extremely bad at following it.

I’ve hit another low point again. You know how they say there is the honeymoon phase to diets, to eating disorders, to recovery? They don’t last long enough. That endorphin rush lasts for a week at best. I guess this post isn’t so much of a advice post than it is a self-pity one.

Eating disorders are awful. They’re awful in a sense that you either feel nothing or everything all at once, and you’re convinced that this is really for the best, because you just need to lose weight, but truth is, they just numb you from the inside out till you’ve forgotten what it feels like to have a life outside of the eating-disordered one.

However, I will not attempt to deny the fact that there is a honeymoon phase to the start of the eating disorder. The first few days/weeks you live within your eating disordered life, your eating disorder promises to be your best friend. Because you constantly live off a high of starvation, of empty promises and a concave heart. Because while you can, you hold a competition (and you’re the only participant, mind) to see how long you can go without eating.

Then comes the part where your body is retaliating, because it needs calcium and carbs and protein and fats, and your mind takes over, and you eat, and you feel like a monster, and I feel like one, when I rush in and out of rooms, kitchens, restaurants, stuffing my face.

I never expected to be the girl whose life revolved around food. Worse still, I think to myself at times, I’m not even a good anorexic/bulimic. I’m at a completely normal weight, not as skinny as I used to, because binge eating got the better of me, because I’m a failure, because I’m a pig.

It’s difficult because my problems are so invisible. I can’t write anything but depressing poetry because all my senses seem to have been suppressed. While all my friends go out for lunch, I have to concoct excuses for missing meals, then shamefully go home and uncontrollably stuff my face with food. And laxatives. They are so invisible. I bought laxatives. And I took them. While all my friends are sleeping peacefully, I dream about bread and butter, fried chicken (and I’m a vegetarian, for fuck’s sake), faceless strangers taunting me about chocolate, and wake up at 3am or so to shit my guts out and collapse back into head, shaking and sweaty and gross. So unglamorous. Not having the guts to go to school because you’re so frightened you’re going to shit uncontrollably in school. And it happens always. It’s a never ending cycle. And I can’t get out of it, the starve-binge-purge cycle. The triggers, the shame, the fact that I can’t shut my mind off.

Eating disorders are so horrible and awful and it makes you forget everything that was as it was before your life with an eating disorder. It’s so destructive, you become so vicious, so tired, it’s not glamorous at all, it hurts you so much. It really hurts you, when you curl into bed at 8pm, homework not done, stomach bloated. You can’t stop wrapping my fingers around your wrists or your thighs or your stomach. The worst part is keeping it to yourself. You have to hold this pain within yourself, because you can’t be selfish, you can’t trigger others, you can’t tell adults who’ll disown you for taking laxatives and for generally being a fuckup.

I think it’s very hard to understand the gravity of an eating disorder if you don’t have firsthand experience. So many times eating disorders have been romanticised, or marginalised, or put off as a ‘vain’ illness. Yet it’s so deadly, not just in the sense that it’s life threatening, physically (which is it, by the way), but it kills your brain and your life, and mostly, kills the happy, carefree person you were.

I’m sending love and prayers to all those struggling with eating disorders. We have to get help and realise there’s a life worth living. Again, if anyone would like to chat/rant/ask anything, don’t hesitate to email me at sarahlwei14[at]gmail dot com.

My Ulitmate Quest To Self-Destruction

Waking up two or three times in the hollow silence

Nightmares of consumption and butter

Forcing a body-my body out of bed–

To hit 400 on a machine-

For the sake of an apple.

Pouring sweetened acid down a throat- my throat

More than a few times a day, I am burning

Hands shaking, shovelling

Green leafy things down my stomach in anxiety,

An illusion of health and clear skin.

Running away, I am- I am all alone

Unable to focus, unable to concentrate,

I’m self-destructing, headed straight for:

The brick house, the freight train

Tired but hollow, stitched but mangled

Every classroom left high- and dry

Running away, I am scared

Seemingly no way out now

Plunge! and crash- the teardrops are falling

No one here to catch them now.

These Poisoned Days

These poisoned days

Breathe fire with hollow sighs

And whispers of disappointment

Burning all over with cursory glances-

Yet the fingers are icy- icicles

Smudging the pages of an existence that was

Carved- so perfectly

Because the light is gone, I don’t know why!

These poisoned days watch lifeblood trickle

Down

The streets with sorrow- with soda

With ice, all hail- the days we were happy

And did not know.

Vegetarianism And How I Recovered From EDNOS (… Almost.)

This post is about my decision to become vegetarian/pescetarian.

Here’s a list of common reasons why people cut out meat from their diet:

1) Ethical – Love of animals, stance against factory farming, respect for sentient life, belief in peace, etc.

2) Environmental – conservation of fossil fuels, water conservation, efficient use of grains, saving forests, etc.

3) Health – Obesity, gallstones, diabetes, arthritis, acne, longevity, etc.

4) Financially – health care costs, food costs.

Read more at: http://www.britishmeat.com/49.htm

 

When I chose vegetarianism, I didn’t do it for any of these reasons. Although when people asked about my decision, especially at fifteen, I did my homework and read up, memorising a list of reasons:

“I don’t believe in killing animals- I watched animal cruelty videos.”

“Do you know it takes 3 to 15 times as much water to produce animal protein as it does plant protein? Detrimental to the environmental.

It was a little weird to tell people I went cold turkey on meat (pun intended) because I suffered from a period of disordered eating. I mean, it takes a lot of guts to tell someone you barely know you have anorexia, or bulimia, or binge eating.

I’m not sure if people became vegetarian like me because of mental illnesses, like depression or bipolar or eating disorders. If you did, well, high five!

I keep digressing. Okay. Let’s get started on the nasty, something that I’ve never really shared with anyone.

I was a normal sized body as long as I can remember- 5 foot 3 inches, 53kg- pear shaped, but not that drastic. How drastic can you get at this weight, anyway. But I was always feeling some kind of pressure. My parents jokingly told me to watch it when I ate a little too much- and I knew this was about my weight, not to mention hanging with my friends who all seemed to have skinny arms and skinny thighs and could wear skinny jeans. I always knew my thighs were big and I was not in the best shape, but remained somewhat oblivious and never felt the need to address this.

Until the second half of last year- for drama elective class, the subject matter for my group working on a devised piece of drama was eating disorders. I was constantly researching and looking at websites (pro ana, yeah, this is where it gets nasty) and watching videos… And I was little sucked in (pun NOT intended) but still remained oblivious.

Then a new friend told me she had bulimia.

ANOREXIA: That’s when everything started spiraling. I was always reading about eating disorders, and trying to help my friend (she eventually pushed me away and I have no idea what to do). In November, I vowed to lose weight and be skinny. I didn’t really know anything about losing weight the healthy way… I mean, I never researched that. I ate about 800 calories and ran on a treadmill. I got skinny, and got compliments, which admittedly made me feel amazing and even more determined to lose weight. I kept doing this. I think I was aware of what I was doing, but I was obsessed and couldn’t stop. I knew the calories of everything going into my mouth and read every single thing on food, exercise, diets, and nutrition. Also eating disorders. But I don’t think it ever occurred to me that I was really screwing myself over until one day I had a fever and still went on a run. I had temperature of 38.6 degrees Celsius and I was burning up and I exercised. I was underweight- something like 44kg- never been so skinny before- and I was happy.

BINGE EATING: I wasn’t exactly sure when it started, or how, but it happened. In late January, in between crash diets of 600 calories a day, I binged on entire loaves of bread, Nutella, anything I could get my greasy mitts on. I ate and ate and ate and ate…. yep. Till I was up at my original weight.

I spoke to a counselor about my eating disorder but it didn’t seem to help- I still came out from every single session believing that I needed to lose weight. But I was really fucking in it. I was failing classes, I was failing drama, my drama teacher pulled me out one day and told me I needed to get my shit together, basically, and she suggested to me, “Why don’t you go on a healthy diet if you’re still obsessed about food and want to make yourself miserable?”

So I went vegetarian. I knew I needed and craved control in my life. I could still do it the healthy way. I persuaded my parents and told them I would still eat fish if they cooked it. Not ‘vegetarian’ completely, but no meat none the less. Things changed.

RECOVERY: I didn’t feel the need to binge as much as I cut out meat. I focused on meeting caloric needs: 1200 calories at first (which is ridiculous and no one should be eating 1200 calories only especially children/teenagers) then, slowly, I let myself go, and loosely counted. I had something new to focus on- a new ‘lifestyle’ that defined me, rather than just trying to be skinny, and I think that was fantastic. Not only do I not eat meat just for recovery/control reasons, I have really gotten passionate about vegetarianism/pescetarianism- I really believe animals are sentient beings and I did watch animal cruelty videos, fueling my desire to cut out meat from my daily diet. I know by not eating meat it’s better for the environment. I’m way healthier too- mentally, I’m stronger. I still think French fries are amazing. (I’ve realised French fries actually taste better than being skinny feels.) I really am so much better because of vegetarianism.

IT’S NOT FAIRY TALE PERFECT ALWAYS, THOUGH: It’s not a smooth road to recovery, that everyday you wake up wanting to meet the day head on, eating sufficiently (apparently that means 2400 calories and above, one website even said 3150 calories for teenagers), being happy and comfortable, striking a balance, exercising for enjoyment and not punishment, but what recovery is perfect? There are still some days I skip dinner or binge eat. I seem to have lost my hunger pangs. It’s going to be okay. You just have to be there for yourself and pick yourself up. Total ‘oblivion from food awareness’ is not going to happen any time soon, I know, but just breathe.

Okay, maybe I didn’t completely address things on this post- I addressed food issues on a very surface level. But I really hope this post inspires those suffering and those trying to help the suffering. You can do your own recovery, it dosen’t have to come in the form of going to a hospital, speaking to a counselor- although those are great options. Be open to everything.

If you’d like to discuss any problems on your eating disorder or mental disorder (that one, I haven’t blogged about yet), please don’t hesitate to email me at: sarahlwei14[at]gmail.com. I would love to talk to you and help and provide some form of support for you. Similarly, if you have questions, please shoot me an email too.

Happy Saturday!

The 20 Commandments Of Runners

Thought Catalog

ShutterstockShutterstock

  1. Thou shalt honor thy body and keep it fed; do not forsaketh carbohydrates but enjoy them and rejoice in thy ever-increasing metabolism.
  2. Thou shalt not line up in a corral in which ye cannot keep up.
  3. Thou shalt move to the side of the road/trail before halting abruptly to avoid collisions.
  4. Thou shalt not covet thy fellow runner’s personal records.
  5. Thou shalt acknowledge waves, greetings, nods, and good morrow’s when passing other runners.
  6. Thou shalt run with awareness at night, for lo! Lurkers may creep when nobody is watching.
  7. Thou shalt invest in good running shoes. Do not be deceived by what is popular.
  8. Thou shalt remember the rest day, and keep it holy. It is most beauteous.
  9. Thou shalt not forget to hydrate, for your body will betray you with dehydration.
  10. Thou shalt not be invincible and run through aches and pains/ignore injuries.
  11. Thou shalt show mercy unto…

View original post 130 more words

5 Questions Vegetarians Are Sick Of Hearing

Thought Catalog

I was at a dinner party on the weekend where I was presented with a set menu of meat, meat with a side of meat. Hoping to go unnoticed with my fellow guests, I whispered my ever recycled line to the waiter “Sorry to be a pain, but I’m vegetarian…”

Unfortunately, I didn’t get away with it and had to endure the usual barrage of questions. Because, you know, it’s totally not rude or annoying to ask strangers about their personal eating habits…

I’m sure that every vegetarian out there can relate – the five questions and comments we are sick and tired of being interrogated with at every social event.

I’ve included my responses, however please note that vegetarians choose to abstain from meat consumption for a variety of reasons, these are simply my personal beliefs.

#1 “Why are you vegetarian?”

Well, when I was about four years old…

View original post 938 more words

20 Hilarious Tweets To Make You Feel Better About Skipping The Gym

Thought Catalog

FlickrFlickr

We both know you don’t want to be exercising right now, so to make you feel better about getting Wendy’s instead of doing Crossfit, here are 20 hilarious tweets about avoiding exercise at all costs.

View original post 381 more words